I am having some trouble with my son, "Charlie". This past spring, he got married. He and his bride decided to exclude my other son's children, two boys aged 6 and 9, from their wedding festivities. We are a close-knit family, and this was very disappointing to his nephews. I tried to convince him that his actions were hurtful, but he would not listen. Things were said in anger, and as a result, I and my family chose not to attend the wedding if everyone would not be invited.
Since then, he has cut off all communication with us, he won't take or return our calls, and he even "un-friended" his brother on Facebook. My grandchildren's birthdays came and went, and he didn't bother to send a card or even call them to wish them happy birthday.
Prudie, this is not how I raised my son to behave, and it's the kids who are suffering most from this family feud. My heart breaks for them. With the holidays approaching, they're sure to ask why Uncle Charlie hasn't come. They must feel as though he doesn't love them. How do I encourage him to make amends? I just want our family to be whole again.
-Miserable Matriarch
Emily Yoffe: You say you didn't raise your son to escalate small disagreements into major breaches, but, Mom, you led the rest of the family into a boycott of your son's wedding ceremony! I'd say he's absorbed the upbringing you gave him very well. Your son and his wife didn't want children at the wedding. That is a perfectly reasonable decision to make, even if two of the children excluded were his nephews. It may have annoyed everyone, but what the people with children do is hire a babysitter, keep their complaints to themselves, and enjoy child-free afternoon.
You can try the politician's passive "mistakes were made" locution, but you and the others who didn't go made a whopper of a mistake. Own up. Write a sincere letter of apology saying you made bad decision of your life by not going to the wedding, and the estrangement is tearing everyone apart. Ask their forgiveness and invite the newlyweds out for a peace dinner. Your other son should send his own letter if he would like to repair relations. Do it now -- maybe this Thanksgiving you can all share a family meal.
Technorati Tag: childfree
22 comments:
This woman is delusional!
"My grandchildren's birthdays came and went, and he didn't bother to send a card or even call them to wish them happy birthday. ...My heart breaks for them. With the holidays approaching, they're sure to ask why Uncle Charlie hasn't come. They must feel as though he doesn't love them.... ...it's the kids who are suffering most from this family feud."
The kids are not bawling their eyes out and slitting their wrists because an uncle didn't call them on their birthday! Come on! The kids probably didn't even notice! Kids might be upset if a parent didn't call them, but they don't care about what the hell their uncle is doing!! Most kids only care about their aunts and uncles if they have kids the same age, because then they are excited to see their cousins. Doesn't sound like that's the case here.
Also, if the kids were SOOOOOO close to Uncle Charlie that they cry every night he's not around, I'm sure he'd have made an exception for them at the wedding.
With a drama queen mother like this, no wonder the guy isn't speaking to the family!
Finally! An advice columnist who makes sense.
Wow...overreact much? So the couple decided to have a kidfree wedding as as a result this woman (I almost wrote something else but decided not to) convinced her ENTIRE FAMILY to boycott the wedding? OK, now I'll say it: WHAT A BITCH!
I would LOVE to hear the son's side of THIS one!
Why do people forget that the wedding day is about the COUPLE GETTING MARRIED, not about the people getting invited? Its their wedding, so if they want to plan a kid-free celebration, that's within their rights. I didn't have alcohol at my wedding, but it didn't keep the drinkers away. They stashed their hooch and joined the festivities.
Until you have children and they have been excluded, you could never understand the devastation. My brother has excluded his godson and the only nephew from his wedding without so much as a reason. Just a cold, "no kids" claim. My four year old son who adores his uncle is upset and cannot understand why his whole family gets to go and he cannot. "Did I make him mad at me?" is the question.
Again, without children, you can't understand!
"Until you have children and they have been excluded, you could never understand the devastation. My brother has excluded his godson and the only nephew from his wedding without so much as a reason."
Give. Me. A. Break. Please.
How could that possibly be devastating to anyone? When I was growing up I was excluded from any number of things my parents wanted to do just with adults. Ever heard of date night?
So, why can't the parents of these kids tell them the reason their Uncle isn't around anymore is because they're mad at him? Go ahead and tell the kids you're all punishing Uncle for making a decision you didn't agree with. Forever. And that you're okay with doing it at their expense.
Maybe it's good none of you went to the wedding, if it was requested that no children attend.
I have kids...who have not been included in an invite. If the invite is EVER not clear, I ASK. I have no problem leaving my children at home. For all I know the host/ess plans to unleash a string of profanities or dance naked...or do some other activity that wouldn't be appropriate for a child. OR they just simply don't want to worry that a child might start to cry in the middle of something important...or break something expensive. I have a friend (not childfree, she has 1 girl) who, at her wedding, had the flower girl & ring bearer as the only children allowed in the service. When their roles were over...they were to be whisked away to a caretaker. The caretaker was on-site (the bride thought this was a fair compromise since she still wanted the parents to attend, rather than have to drive the children to a babysitter), but the children were not permitted to be at the reception. Her sister-in-law had given birth to a new baby just 10 days before the wedding. Her brother commented that if the baby couldn't come, then neither could his wife. The bride said, "I guess she'll have to watch the video!" I get it. I'm okay with it. If my kids are specifically excluded (not just b/c I don't want to bring them, but b/c the host/ess says NO KIDS) I don't mention it to them. "Mommy, where are you and Daddy going?" Out! Have fun with grandma tonight! Even if I just think it will be a better/easier time without my child, I don't tell them, "Mommy is leaving you behind, but I'm going to go play with your most favorite auntie!!" I say, "Mommy is leaving you to have fun with Grandma [or sitter]. Please be very good while I'm gone!"
Let's get this straight. Unless this is your wedding or you are paying for another's wedding, you have no say in what goes. Whether 'alcohol will be served' or 'no kids'.
I suspect the reason the kids get upset (if they really do) is because the 'parents', instead of being adults about this, choose to throw tantrums and made sure the kids know what's going on. They made damn sure the kids knew they were not invited. Just what, pray tell, does that accomplish? Pretty damn sick thing to do.
Not to mention the fact that it's 'no kids' period. Unless otherwise indicated, it isn't just one couple's kid being excluded. Again, the parents could just tell the kids, 'no kids are going to be there'. No big deal. The kid will probably think, 'well, it'll be boring' and not be interested in going. I knew that's what I thought back then.
So spare us this whiny 'you don't have kids, you don't understand' crap.
I feel sorry for the kids, having these so-called adults for parents.
Anonymous, your brother doesn't have to give a reason. It's HIS wedding, remember? And maybe this would've been a good time to explain that some things are for kids and some things are for adults. But then again, you probably tote your tot everywhere.
And you need to get rid of the "you won't understand if you're not a parent" trope. Believe it or not, most of us understand common courtesy and etiquette. It has nothing to do with being a parent -- obviously since you are objecting to not being allowed to bring someone to a wedding who was specifically NOT invited.
Maegan, you're spot on. Telling the kids what's going on is just petty and laying the responsibility on them and it's not their burden. Very good advice, simply not telling them specifics.
She probably didn't even think it was a bad decision at the time when she told them that Uncle Charlie didn't want them there. But then again...
While I am in agreeance with "the bride has rights" etc, I have recently been invited to a "Child Free Zone" wedding. I am a long-term friend of the groom. This wedding is a location wedding - at least 2 hours away from all attending. There are 3 couples with very young children (ours is the eldest - he will be 18mths). This puts us in a very awkward position. We have no family nearby, and have never left our son for more than an hour or so with friends. As the wedding is so far away, we would either have to leave him with friends at home for an entire day and night, or find a stranger to mind him at the location - again for all afternoon/night. The Best Man will have a 4 mth old, and the Sister of the Groom a 13 mth old and a 1 mth old. Are all these people meant to arrange for strangers to mind their infants. All of the babies are breastfed - the brand-newies every 2 hours or so. The logistics are impossible. Babysitters are for young children - 3 and upwards, not for brand new infants. As a result, I have to make a choice - attend the wedding of my friend, and place my baby with a stranger for 10 hours, or to not attend. It is a difficult position to be in, but ultimately I choose - the best option for my son. This is what parents do. I want to respect the bride's choices, but secretley I feel that she is not considering her guests needs either. I don't understand how someone can be a loving friend, and then get to their wedding day, and pull out all stops to not consider the needs of others. The line "parents can have a good night without their kids", is usually used by childless people. Brides, please allow your friends with VERY young (under 2) children to make this choice for themselves, as it causes much anguish to those who want the very best for you in your celebration, but also have responsibilities to their children.
If you wouldn't trust your good friend to recommend a sitter, it sounds like you have issues much bigger than attending her wedding.
Oh please! Have you ever babysat an infant?! They sleep they cry they poop. You feed them. Infants are way easier than the terrible twos. The fact of the matter is that it inconveniences you to have to go and find a babysitter. And as a mother of a child under two you do have a choice to find a babysitter or stay at home with baby. You do not however have the right to be passive aggressive with the fact that the bride chose to have her wedding her way.
I am getting married in the next few months. A few of the guests have young children. We are having a child free wedding ceremony and dinner because we do not want our vows yelled over a screaming child. This includes my nephew, whom I am quite fond of. In order to offend the fewest people possible (because let's face it some parent will always be offended that their little miracle isn't being included) we have done the following; we are providing the services of one teenage babysitter along with one professional childcare provider in a hotel room (2 floors at maximum from where the parents will be), we are providing games and pizza as well as movies. Children are welcome during the dance part of the reception.
My god, not only is the woman in the original article overly dramatic, there are a few posters who I think need a nap.
Boycotting the wedding because the couple requested no children is the MEANEST thing a parent can do!!! SHAME ON THIS MOTHER!!!! NEWS FLASH!! It's not the family's decision who to invite. It's about the couple. If your solution to problems is to get the entire family to gang up and boycott a wedding, you'll NEVER have peaceful family. Lead by example "Mom".
My brother is getting married in Nov. and will not allow my one year old son, his Godson to attend his wedding. They live 3,000 miles away and there is no one to "babysit" my son which leaves us in an uncomfortable situation. Our resolution is that my husband will not attend the wedding and stay in the hotel with my son. This has caused many hurt feelings that will last long after the wedding is over. I understand that their wedding day is all about them but the fact that they do not want my son and husband involved in their special day is extremely upsetting.
Have you asked your brother for help? It seems like such a little thing for him to ask around and find a reputable babysitter for the evening. Maybe some of the other wedding guests with kids can organize a playgroup - so much more fun for your kids than a boring wedding!
I agree that Grandma's reaction was inappropriate, she should have gone to the wedding, the kids would have been fine.
Younger kids are a different story.
My kids are grown and I agree that it often isn't possible for parents of small children to leave them with a sitter. Many babies have separation anxiety that starts at 4 to 6 months. They don't want to be held by anyone who is unfamiliar. I don't care how reputable the sitter is, you don't leave your very young child with an unknown person for hours if you know your baby is going to be hysterical. The babies don't do it for attention, they often don't calm down for hours after the parents return and it isn't bad parenting that makes them do it.
It is amazing that so many people who know so little about young children are having a discussion about this. My kids were very difficult toddlers, one with autism, and we didn't go places where they would cause a problem. This meant very little travel, few meals out with them. This caused problems with family who often wanted to get together for meals at restaurants, it wasn't any fun for us and they wanted to see the kids. Expecting a 2-3-4-5 year old to be entertained at a meal for an hour is a mistake and unfortunately there isn't any legal way to "take out their batteries" so they'll sleep. They were fine once they turned 9 or 10 and could entertain themselves.
When my younger sister and I were growing up, our parents did not bring us to weddings and other similar events. When we were babies, there were times when my parents chose to not attend an event because they felt that bringing babies/toddlers to weddings, etc. was not appropriate, and they didn't want to leave us with babysitters. They sent a card/gift to the couple; nobody was offended in the slightest because people understood that it was not necessary to have children at every freaking event. My sister and I were not traumatized over any of it either; we were just excited because we were going to spend time with Grandma or whoever the babysitter was going to be. It was fun.
I have a theory. I think that people just get themselves wound up over stupid stuff like this just to get attention. People just need to chill out, spend a few bucks and get a babysitter. The bride and groom and their families are spending a fortune on a one-day event... help them to make it a wonderful, memorable day and quit being selfish.
@The anonymous who is mad about a child-free wedding and whose child is 18 months....
Since when are babysitters only for 3+? I had a full-time babysitter from before age 2 to age 12. My friends child is 13 months right now and he has repeatedly had babysitters because his parents have lives. And he is the most chill, well-behaved baby I've ever seen. He USED to cry when they left him, now he just fakes it and as soon as they're gone, he's totally fine.
And for 10 hours??That's it, seriously?? Also, 2 hours is NOT a 'location' wedding. It's some people's commute to work every morning for goodness sake.
The bride and groom have no responsibility to think about the guest's needs, its a party to celebrate their marriage and they invited you because they wanted you to be there. If you can't (breastfeeding IS a really good reason, though, for sure!)just don't go. You don't have to. And if you can't, and they get mad,then that's their problem.
Oh, and you really think NO parents can have a good time without their kids?! Maybe YOU have seperation anxiety.
My husband and I actually offered to pay for a hotel room and babysitter to keep all the kids at bay during our reception. No dice. Apparently we needed to be a little more direct. *Sigh*
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